I love bugs...YEAH RIGHT!

Anyone who knows me knows that I am like a scared little girl when it comes to bugs. You would think that a grown man could handle harmless little creatures better than I do, but I cant help it. Especially when it comes to spiders. I'm useless when a spider is in sight. Don't ask me to kill it. My wife even knows that when the girls come running into the room screaming, "Spider! Spider!", shes going to have to be the one to kill it. I wont go near it. I usually start running in the opposite direction. Spiders are mean. They are deceitful. They are ugly. They are sneaky. Most of all, they are deadly! Okay, maybe not the last one, but they are deadly to me. If one lands on me or jumps at me, or if I see one in the house with a napkin around his neck and a knife and fork in his hands, then more than likely, hes coming after the big fat guy in the room. Lots of me to sink his teeth into, you know what I mean? I freak out and come very close to a major cardiopulmonary event. I cant help it. I think it started when my brother (whose name will stay unmentioned his initials are KW) chased me around youth camp one year with a daddy long legs spider (also known as Pholcus phalangioides) . I know now that they are harmless. Even though they are one of the most poisonous spiders in the world they have no teeth. I didn't know that at the time, so I was scared to death. Even now, when I see one, I wonder if this may be the one who was born with a tooth? Humans can be born with birth defects why cant spiders? How can I be certain that the daddy long legs spider in my carport didn't just finish brushing and flossing and is ready to try out his new chompers? Who better to try them on than the delicious prime rib standing in his pajamas with his slippers on sipping his morning coffee? Sorry, but I just cant help it. I truly believe that if there is a freak spider out there that we don't know about, he is probably staking me out (or steaking me out) and is finding the perfect time to suck all of my blood. He can feed a family of 500 for about, oh I don't know, FOREVER!! Look, I don't mean to sound like a weenie. I don't want to come off as feminine. For the most part, I handle bugs pretty good. A guy needs to protect his family. I just cant handle spiders. Even if I carry a weapon, I'm not sure I would be able to stay steady enough to defend myself. Spiders are mean by nature and I'm not. I would stand there like a little girl wetting my pants in fear or I would pass out and wake up with no blood in my veins. I cant help it. Pray for me. Now that the cold weather is gone, the spiders are all out and they are watching me. Thank God for my wife who, in spite of her girliness, always "mans up" and gets the job done. Bless her. I love you all. Hopefully I'll make it through the warm weather unscathed to write again.

LW